where's my slice of cake

Ellie wants to play football, so we go to the astro turf. She is shit at football tennis, because she keeps hitting the net. Then she goes in goal, she starts to think shes good because I'm giving her a chance. She gets a bit cocky, so I start blasting the ball like a cannon out of my foot at her. I score loads of goals and bruise her leg. I leave the pitch feeling accomplished.

We make some music on garageband, and she teaches me what a flat note is, but I've forgotten already. We watch Harry Potter one, and the kids all look like idiots; Harry with his stupid floppy hair and glasses, and Hermione with her weird little head being engulfed by her mane of massive hair. Smoke twos on a rolly to try and be cool. Twice. Watch Blades of Glory.

Go around Dave's and he's watching Jurassic Park two on his own with the lights out. I join him in bed and we have a Tesco Value frozen Cottage Pie with cheese on top. It is cooked inthe microwave for six minutes, left to stand for one minute, agitated and then cooked in the micrwave for a further two minutes. This is where the cheese is added and then it is put under the hot grill for three-to-four minutes for melting purposes.

Get up watch Big Brother repeats, watch T4 on the beach and write two articles for the student paper. Go around Darryl's and he tells me to put my top on, but his mum doesn't mind. Get Josie, have a spliff by the quay, buy tickets, gamble and win eight quid from one pound - but annoyingly it is her pound and she gets the eight quid! Watch the film and eat popcorn and coca cola without paying. Finish watching the film and eat Raj without paying. Go down to Polsloe and have a spliff without rolling it. Take Josie home and get a book.

Get Darryl, drive back to Dawlish in the middle of both lanes with no lights on, following the cats eyes and listening to Radiohead - Weird Fish. I explain to Darryl how the song is about Le Shark swimming around, chasing all the weird fish in the sea and eating them. Go around Acres' and giggle at Jim Carrey in Yes Man, and fall asleep through Sexy Beast. Wake up on the sofa and get up, run directly to my car and drive home as fast as I can with the heating on. Rush to my kitchen and force down crisp after crisp after hula after hoop untill two packets have been devoured in a matter of seconds. Move on to the milky bar kid and then to a Gu chocolate tiffin. Fall asleep without doing my teeth.

Wake up and have a double egg sandwich before driving to Acres' house. We play football and I win because I am a class act. Darryl is an apathetic turd. Go back to Dave's and he insists on repeatedly running into his room in different outfits, comprising of; him just in boxers; him with a guitar, some shades and a little hat, looking like Pete Docherty; him naked with talcum powder; and him raging with tomato ketchup all over his face and body wielding a high-powered chainsaw, also with the shades on. Me and Dave watched American Psycho a few nights ago.

We go and play golf and I am atrocious today. We hit balls all over the course screaming FOUR every few minutes, but really we don't want the other players to dodge the ball. Fifty balls down and minus three cartons of strawberry ribenas, a packet of chocolate balls with crunch and a whole packet of pringles, we leave the golf-course.

Cook Pizza at Acres' house, but Darryl has no clue. Dave keeps on rolling around the laminate flooring with his bum out leaving skid marks and talking about Imogen Acres' knickers in his mouth. We watch tele untill Acres kicks us out. Drive Darryl home out of the kindness of my heart and buy some pasta in Tesco twenty-four-hours. Get home and I haven't washed since Saturday so I have a wank.