Thursday

Hot morning in the tent because of the sun. See Amy for the first time in ages but her mates are doing one and so does she. Wash my face from sweat and dirt which is refreshing. Go to the safari again, get some expensive food, but it is hot which is nice and better than hula hoops plus sausage rolls and pringles. Chill out for a bit by the Coy Carp. I want Rogers to get a blowy off them but hes not really interested and just lets them suck his fingers. I go for a shit in the disabled toilet and the cleanliness feels like bliss, I try to be quick but when I leave someone in the queue tells me I've taken an eternity. Next to the cafe there is a mansion, but the walls are painted with trees and animals like looking through a safari kaleidoscope or a little kids bedroom. Rupert and Hollie Higgins think it is tacky and distasteful but I see it as imaginative and relevant. We venture upstairs in the mansion making monkey noises, there are signs saying NO ENTRY but I turn the other cheek and turn them the other way. Upstairs I open a door and there is a meeting going on with a board of apes sat around a big table sipping on banana daiquiris. this Thought scares me so we run out of the mansion and all do roley-poleys down a massive grassy bank.

We see our mate and feed him again for a bit before we find a conservation of baby monkeys who are play fighting. A miniature baby one has its nob out. After the promiscuous primate we encounter a bulimic gorilla - 'Gorilla gorilla gorilla' in Latin - who loves to be sick, play with it for a while, go upside down, have a mini spaz attack and then be sick again. He decided to repeat this madness six times in our presence, but probably stopped doing it as soon as we left. because we are morons, we go to the play park and jump around on the slide and climb up a tree. a ranger tells us to stop, so we pretend to stop for a bit and then carry on - Cos that's what we are like. fLaker almost attempts a backflip but doesnt. we leave the zoo and steal a J20 for the sake of it and drink it.

Yesterday a love of Laker's life comes and her mate is a blond hardbody.

Everybody is a bit monged out and we need some energy to go out so we drink kick with vodka and play 'I have never'. It turns out; we have all tried to suck ourselves off; Chris has licked a pezzy cunt, Andy has done a threesome and high-fived over the girl; Laker has woken up on a multitude of occasions with his finger in his bum and I have gotten drunk once. Laker is a lost boy and is wrecked already, somehow, and gets some MDMA off a girl in the tent next to us. Go to see Ladyhawke but its almost finished and seems a bit chilled out for the finale, for my liking. On the way back me and Andy see a sunset and appreciate it, its a pity Laker isnt there with us.

Get more drunk, take a pill, go see Dizzee Rascal. He's pretty good and during a song a computerised voice says 'BONKERS' in a funny voice. For some reason I get a weird girl on my shoulders, as soon as she gets up, I wonder how long I have to keep her up there for to be polite. I contemplate dropping her sideways, but am not convinced it would break her neck so I dont. Afterwards, me Rupert and Higgins are looking for a Gary Neville look-a-like and also a Lewis Hamilton impersonator, because we are under the impression they will sell us beans. Whilst Rupert is dodgy dealing I talk to Hollie Higgins about stuff and its alright.

Eat another bean and go to this weird seedy basement in the back of the Residential Dance tent where there are loads of mattresses like a crack den. We bean around here for ages and I sing 'We Are Your Friends' all night even though it is not on. I meet a mate, but I dono his name, he seems cool though. Then I go out of the crack den for a bit and dance with some strangers at the front of the stage. Because I went up on the stage last night, I think it would be good to do it again, but none of the strangers want to go up with me. One of them tries to give me ketamine though, but luckily Rupert comes and intervenes. Me, Rupert and Hollie do get up on the stage and I attempt to play a set featuring the Titanic song, but the keyboard is off so we just go to another tent, a small empty one and perform TWIT TWOO to passers-by. We are recieved pretty well, not as good as Dizzee but better than the Friendly Fires I reckon. We try to buy drugs from the ambulance tent, but they just give us water because its more ethical.

We go to the Chai Walla tent and the music stops because it is late. I dont like the silence so I rally up a gang of people and start a round of 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight' which blends in well with cries of 'Awooomba Wup Awoomba Wup'. I have a nice following going on, so I get a stupid orange bin from the floor and start beating it like a drum, stood in the middle jumping up and down moronically, feeling like I'm the king of this feral jungle. My advocates are getting on my nerves with their persistent protestations as the security guards try to shut us up. Nothing like the Pied Piper; I grow tired of their earnesty and start shouting juvenile chants in oppostion to their hippy agenda. 'Fuck the Veggies Eat the Steak' goes down a treat with 'mayonaise', 'cheese' and 'lettuce'. I inform them that 'we have a cause' and make it apparent that 'we are making a difference' whilst also educating them on the plight of Indian children: 'for every cup of chai tea, ten Indian children are killed!'

When they start to give me incredulous looks, me Rupert and Hollie start barking aggressively, jumping at their faces - like dogs. Then we leave and find another tent which is also full of hippies. As I walk in through the door I feel a bit of sick in my throat and announce to the faggots that 'this place is fucking sick'. Some asshole tells me to take off my shoes, he probabaly thinks that its hip to hang out in socks or something. Have a look around and my opinion of the place does not improve as we find some small alcoves of assery that are populated by klaxons telling us not to come in because they are closing. My mate from earier is in the tent though and he gives me a hug, he is hanging out with the security guard who is getting chatted up by a weird-one.

Leave the pussy-pit and walk around asking people about steak. One guy is particularly enthused with beef and it is a small world because he knows Emma Louise Blight who lives in the same building as me. Back at the camp, Laker has some weird girl who, contrary to Andy and Chris, is not hot lying with him. I think Chris has my sleeping bag on, because he stole it last time we went camping, so I wrestle him to the floor, twice. He tells me to look in my tent but I am stubborn and accuse Laker instead, he tells me the same thing, so I take a look - it is in there. But my Bouncing Souls T-shirt is not in there so I shed a tear and tell everybody about the day I bought it, a few times.

Then I meet a skater called Jules who has big blond curly hair and is into Operation Ivy, so we talk about that for a while, he is from Bristol and chills with us all night. I also meet a guy who has just finished an English degree at Exeter uni. He is pretty cool because he hates Arena and doesn't go to Timepiece on a Wednesday, he is from Launceston originally. I try to get my T-shirt back from the tent but I am not permitted to enter the site, I want to break in and go on the hunt, but noone will go with me. Instead I jump on Andy and Chris' tent because I think that they are talking about me, but they are all asleep - Laker is also in there. So I decide to go to sleep aswell, on my own in the tent with shitty wet-wipes everywhere. One hour later I have to get up. I pack my shit up and wait for a bus.

The bus feels like hell and I dont say anything for approx. five hours untill we get to the Bristol services where me and Laker get a KFC. As I walk into the service station it all seems so surreal, with all the artificial lighting and hoards of people walking in and out of doorways like sheep. It reminds me of the zombified members of the public that inhabit the space station in Wall-E. Me and Laker eat our KFC like weirdos on top of a big grassy hill in the carpark.

Back on the coach it is hot as fuck now and I dont feel really nice. The coach decides to break down at Okehampton and we have to wait for over an hour for a replacement coach, even though we are told it will only take twenty minutes. On the new coach, as we get into Falmouth, a weird guy sat next to me starts going mental because he has a sticker saying 'Josh' on his foot that has nothing to do with me. To his astonishment I am called Josh aswell, but the sticker is not associated with me either. His girlfriend shares his amazement, pointing out the apparent phenomenom that she is sat next to two Josh's. I tell her it is 'mental' and laugh to myself feelng accomplished.

When we get off the coach we walk back to Maritime. Laker doesnt walk with me and Rupert because he knows a shortcut, that is UP a hill. In the cornershop, I buy a Dr Oettiker pizza, a steak pasty and a microwavable cauliflower cheese with sauteed potatoes for 99p that I have for breakfast the next day.