sinister rouge

Wake up with my bellend stuck to the inside of my marks and spencer boxer shorts. My eyes focus on a papier mache mask from the Cuban rainforest, its teeth are sharp, its hands are placed on either side of his head mirroring the despair that perforates through its eyes. Its ears have been chopped off. Get up and navigate my crooked joints through a collage of green and black socks, Green and Blacks chocolate wrappers, blue hoodies and sandy rugs with Volvic water bottles on top. Take a piss and shudder from the sprinkles of dried smegma that fall into the toilet. Phone a university in Cornwall to tell them I can't live like this anymore and I'm not even homeless yet. Seven unanswered calls and I'm getting angry. I accept that I am going to have to live in a B&B for the year. 'When in Rome'. I cook myself scrambled eggs on toast, the eggs float around on the milk like shrimps in dehydrated rock pools.

Pick up England and drop his girlfriend to work at the mental hospital. Pack Laney and his bodyboarding gear into the car, but the boot wont open. Calmly I announce: "You fucking cunts cant even open a boot without breaking it, this is gonna cost at least thirty quid" to which England retorts: "Fuck off Josh, It's not my fault you've got a shit car". "May aswell call it a day" I say. "AHAHA fuck that, its not the end of the world mate come on" Laney suggests.

On the motorway I truck pulls out in front of me, England is riding shotgun. "Give him some England" Laney says. England gets his head out of the window and starts fucking off the truck driver. This scenario is repeated three to four times. We all have an oversized can of caffeinated energy and dance to 'Tiger Army III: Ghost Tigers Rise'.

"Hello Mate" a croaky voice that is obviously put-on bellows from out of my car window. "Have you seen my missus, shes fat as fuck... and ginger.. yeah shes ginger and shes got a stupid hat on?" "No, not seen her sorry" a confused man with a stupid England hat on replies". "ALRIGHT" my car wheelspins off and nearly hits a black man on a bicycle. He subsequently calls me a wanker. This takes place in the carpark in Bude.

At bodyboarding I hit my head on a wave and Laney cuts his ankle on his flippers. Some cool dudes are surfing and a fat couple have both got their tits out. A sophisticated couple are practicing anal sex on the overlooking cliff. The wind is blowing towards us so I am careful to keep my mouth closed in case a piece of fecal sperm cums my way. End of bodyboarding sequence In my fur-coat and replica aviators I flash my bare chest to a blond with a surfboard. I strike a pose that she chooses to ignore as she walks past awkwardly talking to her boyfriend.

Beep my horn as a golfer swings his driver to strike the ball. A woman in a bistro that won't serve us drinks tells us that the best fish and chips are to be found 5 miles west in Widemouth Bay. On the way there Laney inadvertently tells a stoner his girlfriend is fit and some surfer crashes into a cliff on a freak once-in-a-lifetime wave. The fish and chips are not in fact 'the best' but actually quite average so we chuck them as bait for seagulls. A scottish woman with her gash out catches the three of us stood over a seagull brandishing miniature boulders held high above our heads. She talks about not killing them, we talk about raping her and sending her kid to make us a chicken sandwich.

At a campsite CCTV footage shows a lad about 5ft 10 wearing a sleeveless Ramones top and a pair of cargo trousers anxiously get out of his car and walk towards a wooden fox on a sign. From a POV shot of the youth you can see that the fox is the same size as him. The camera cuts to his mates' perspective in the car, watching, laughing as the boy pulls a big white wooden pole out of the ground. The black and white CCTV footage from above shakes in the wind as he callously assassinates the cute furry fox. A low angle close up catches the moment in slow motion as the poor fox's head droops and falls from glory. The juvenility of the situation is accentuated through the use of a POV shot from an oncoming car with two middle-aged women in it. They see the scandalous male rip the head from the fox's neck and make a guilty dash towards the car. With the microphone based inside the car, the audience hear a chilling cackle as the three fugitives accelerate out of the scene with haste.