a basshunter

Its me, Tom Acres and David Chappell outside the Langstone Cliff Hotel, smoking a spliff in the carpark. Were subzero; the water fountain has frozen over and a dog walker has pink and yellow striped mittens on her hands and a matching bobble hat and scarf. Trying to get a drink at the bar, but it takes ages, nobody is there to serve me. A polite elderly couple dressed for dinner inform me that there is a bell. I ring it twice. Nobody is there still. My throat is parched so I grab the big bronze jug of tap water and start to take a swig; at this moment Dave comes into the room laughing and a barmaid comes in and accuses me of stealing her water. Giggling and wiping the spilled water from my mouth, I tell her I want an orange juice with soda. For some reason she gives me an orange squash in one glass and another glass with lemonade in. I just drink them both.

Ask for a ping-pong ball and Dave immediately cracks it on the table so we walk past reception and crash out on the sofas to watch Celebrity Big Brother. Basshunter is just chilling in his suit - he's just come from a New Years Eve party in Kazakhstan - the International man of mystery. Dave comes back in from the toilet and says: "I've just thought, how easy it would be to be a terrorist." Josh says: "What do you mean". Dave replies "Just go into the toilet on a plane and smash the window so the plane crashes." Tom Acres: "They don't have windows in planes though". Dave pauses, before exclaiming: "Well just get something really heavy and start smashing the window in the aisle" as he says this he jumps up and down on his seat maniacally. Josh and Tom braking into laughter: "Where did this come from anyway" Dave, taken aback: "I was just in the toilet and the fan is so loud it felt like a plane, so I thought about being a terrorist".

We try to play ping-pong but the ball is still broken from before. They tell me I look like a tramp cos my hairs greasy as fuck, I've got a bit of pathetic unshaven stubble and my massive shit-stained jacket is far too big for me. I put on 50 Cent - Wanksta on my iPhone and play it out loud in my pocket and walk like a wigga into the hotel reception to ask for a new ball. The receptionist is nowhere to be seen and all of the hotel's management staff are sat around in a circle. The lights are dim, and it feels a bit like the mansion party in 'Eyes Wide Shut'. I'm actually banned from this hotel, so I turn around and leave rather than confronting my problems face on.

Tom Acres has so much ice on his windscreen that he decides to go down to the carpark in Dawlish Warren and do a few 180's on the ice. Drive to my house, but we get pulled over by the po-po; Acres is freaking out. The policeman tells us he followed us from the icy carpark, Dave tells him we watched Celebrity Big Brother earlier, and with a pitiful farewell: "Great" the policeman walks away from us.

After about six hours of persuasion Acres lets us smoke in his car. He keeps on telling us to listen to Moby, but we're not having it. Before going home to bed, Acres shows us this dodgy video of sex. There is a camera on the bellend and a camera inside the pussy. Its not pornography so I'm not interested.