and its a story that might bore you but you dont have to listen,

inside Kat's room with the door locked, it's boys on tour under siege from the squeakies. Me, Tom and Rupert snoop around the room, reading her gay 'womans' magazines, rummaging through the strawberries in her fridge, sniffing her knickers and masturbating in her sink. I dont think she is very impressed by this, so she tries to get into Rupert's room, but Laker climbs across the balcony and pounces on her like some kind of sick broom-wielding hyena. Harriet and Jess get the same treatment when they try their luck in my room.

Laker pretends he doesn't like anybody and refuses to join the party, but I go in for a bit. I find, to my disgrace, that Rupert is Master of Ceremonies, pimping the Spice girls out. Liz is drunk and I feast on vodka jellies. In Laker's; Dan is scared of racism; Laker is always sketching out; Rupert is an Exeter Student; Chris is perfect and Im normal.

At Wetherspoons we chuck ice at peoples heads who we don't know, then people who we don't know jump down the staircase onto the sofas unlike lemmings. At Q-bar we sit down for approximately 14 seconds and leave because it looks like an old peoples home upstairs apparently. At Remedies, I do one.

Me and Rupert walk almost the whole way home with our arms linked on our shoulders, we take a piss, but we don't see Jess and offer to shag her mate bare-back.

At Maritime Laker cooks us lush burgers, Andy hosts a gay shower, Kimmi has some weed and this weird, sick kid is telling girls they are beautiful on facebook chat. Get back to my room at half five and the cunting seagulls are at it already.

Eat Chicken Kebab, Watch the OC, eat Chili-Con-Carne, watch football. Play in the empty room 74, but its dark. Shout at the Dock workers from my balcony but I'm not cowardly: "Oi mate you WANKER, what the fuck is that gay little crane" The man with an orange hat looks up at me incredulously, from about 500 feet away, so I, pathetically, chuck a bottle towards him which falls 400 feet short. I instantly warn him that "I'll get you next time mate" and scutter back into the sanctuary of my room.