DAWLISH BOYz ON TOUR .

Mate went out in Plymouth last night. Picked up the Chappell-meister at 9 after work with Acres and England. Dave had a swig of lighter-fluid and we were off. We gave it some in the car, going about 85 the whole way - breaking the law - because the engine likes it better than 70. Lady Gaga is shit (hermaphrodite). When we get to Plymouth we get lost for ages looking for Emma's halls and Jordan's house. Emma is being awkward on the phone and bans Acres from taking a piss in her toilet so Dave goes around with a big bottle of voddy in his hand smashing the orange football at kids and calling them Joe.

Eventually we get to Jordan's, park the car in a space, obviously. We say hello to all these kids and down the vodka and the champagne. Get a taxi to Oceana. Alex wants to pay the Drive in kisses but she's having none of it and we pay with money instead. Inside, Oceana is expansive and I lose everybody when I get some money, but I find Dave hugging this G on the podium who was throwing down some sick moves.

We get some girl-drink-VKs and vodka red bull's and head for the dance floor. Dave robs loadsa bottles of beer and froths them out all over us and on some stuck-up bitches - they dissapprove. The Dawlish BoyZ are loving it going a bit mental, getting down to the music when something goes wrong and Dave ends up punching two fuckers in the head. We're not phased though.

At the end the Bouncers are cunts. They wont let England take the piss he needs, and force us to vacate the club when it is closed. We have lost Emma and her mates, Ginge and his crew and Jordan and Tuan's lot are nowhere to be seen either. We talk to some South-London geezers and they comment on our lack of accent, which in itself is obviously a distinctive dialect. They are top boys though and they show us the way to a kebab shop and Jordan's house. The kebabby is rubbish - no elephant legs left, just BSE burgers, I end up eating Dave's aswell.

Back at Jordan's we get some sofas and cotch for a bit untill the midnight owl Tuan gets back and uses my phone to ring up all the drug dealers in Plymouth to see what we can get for £6 at half five in the morning - shockingly, nothing apart from a handful of txt messages and a few phonecalls from witheld enquiring as to who's number it is. We play FIFA untill about 7 and the sun is out, the tele is on ridiculously loud and I feel raw. After a nice victory for Argentina against Liverpool 2-1, I go to sleep to the sound of Tuan sizzling some BEEF mince - less than 12% fat.

An hour later we are rudely awakened - nice cliche - by Ivan who is eating super noodles straight out of a saucepan. He's going to work; selling Sky boxes door-to-door; people LOVE that. When he leaves we sleep untill half-twelve and Dave dalglishes some VO5 hair product.

On the way back we stop at Big-Sainsburys by the roundabout and eat some sandwhiches, my smoothie costs £1.50 but it contains 2 of my 5 a day. We relax in the cafeteria and Dave robs a shot of milk, before having a TOMMY in the toilet with his shit. We listen to MIA for a bit giving it the pow-pow out the window during the 50mph average speed check. Afterwards we moan along to Taking Back Sunday passing the gypsy camp by Exeter Racecourse.

Once back, we drop off the faggot England, who heads straight for the fridge and has a Rockstar. Then we go down to the avenues to play tan-your-ass. The cage gets full of little kids and we tear it up. I go home watch some porn, fall asleep for two-hours listening to Sunny Day Real Estate and Laker wakes me up. He's drunk already and with a girl Sammie-Jo in Southampton. She wants to be my bestfriend and we arrange a party in Falmouth. Then I have tea - jacket potato AGAIN.

Emma, Sophie and Darryl are incompetent at directions and drive around Dawlish for a while before getting to my house, even though Darryl's Nan used to live near me and he has been round to mine about seventy-four times in the past two years. We go to the Langstone Cliff Hotel and get dropped off at the Smugglers Inn, where England is behind the bar. Dave instantly throws up a little as we walk in the doorway so he buys a pint and I have a gamble (win three quid). We ask two of the staff if we can hyena any of their leftovers and the say yes - normal. The girl who's turkey, potato, cranberry sauce and yorkie pudding that I eat has massacred the meal with salt, she also fancies me.

Acres picks us up and we go to Macci D's - I don't get a Fillet O'Fish and we go dogging on the way back where we see AJ and Pablo in a car with two girls. AJ gives one a daffodil that he had just pissed on and we go home to watch the repeat of skins.