Train Station

“What are you doing?”

…

(Laughing) “What are you doing?”

…

“Why on earth do you keep doing that?”

…

“Seriously!?”

…

“It makes you look stupid”

…

“And thoroughly ridiculous”

***

The door opens and a National Rail officer shudders as he catches a corpulent woman, curly and dishevelled, spread eagle with a brown Labrador wearing gold sunglasses positioned between her thighs.

The image of a panting pup and its tumescent tongue lingers in the National Rail officer’s mind that night as he lies in bed.

Needless to say masturbation is not an option. Yet he cannot sleep.

He tries counting sheep but each innocent aspiring lamb shank transforms into a guilt-ridden horn-dog tied to the pudgy woman’s leg.

The next day he confronts the CCTV operative but in his sleepless state he has forgotten to shave and neglected to wear any socks—he realizes this as soon as he enters the security room and loses the will to live.

***

The grinning guard looks up at the National Rail officer from a swivel chair and waits for an explanation. Visits from colleagues are infrequent to say the least and he is intrigued. To the guard’s surprise the unkempt National Rail officer leaves the room without saying a word.

‘Did he just have a minor stroke?’ The security guard thinks to himself as he flicks the camera switch to zoom-in on a voluptuous woman with big lips on platform nine.

“There’s a bluddy dog on the platform,” This time he shouts it aloud.

He decides not to act on it because, although he looks and thinks like a builder cruising the streets for ‘girls to ride on the wagon,’ he’s actually quite shy around women that he finds attractive. If he had a therapist he would know that his penchant for fat birds was nothing to be ashamed of but in this version of reality he remains love-struck with silence. As if cupid had shot him with an arrow doused in anxiety.

***

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

…

“EXCUSE ME, why are you looking at me like that!?”

“I don’t think you should use this train station anymore miss”

“What on earth are you talking about?”

“I…I…I just don’t think you should come around here anymore”

“I’ll come where ever I want thank you very much”

“You can’t do that with dogs”

“Do what?”

…

“Are they not allowed on trains?”

“Well no they’re not, but that’s beside the point, you can’t use this station anymore miss. You have to leave.”

“Make me”

…

“You don’t even have any socks on you foolish man”

***

The National Rail officer feels his cheeks burn up like Guy Fawkes and notices that the Amazon River has begun flowing down the arc of his spine. His eyes flood with dread and he turns around to run. ‘Where am I going?’ He does not know. ‘How stupid do I look?’ ‘Will I ever work here again?’ I do not know. The only thing he knows is that one of his shoes has fallen off and his heel is dredged in sludge. Probably dog-shit. Horny dog-shit.

***

“That’s the guy from earlier. Fuckin’ ‘ell what’s wrong with him!?”

The security guard zips up his flies and ambles down towards the platform. He is very nervous about the prospect of meeting the curvy women with big lips. Nervous to the point of forgetting why he is descending into the dangerous world of the ‘camera-zone’.

‘I don’t even have to talk to her. I can just watch her.’ He thinks as he sits back down in his swivel chair and spins around the full three-hundred-and-sixty degrees.  He frames the camera with lusty precision and looks down at the tent forming in his jeans. One more spin. Just for luck.

***

**

*

It’s a sunny day in Brussels and the National Rail officer has been absent without leave for a month. He is sitting outside a café in Brussels, sipping milky tea, reading the paper, about to embark on a tour of the European Parliament. Bliss.

*

It’s a dull day in Derbyshire and the security guard is standing in WH Smith holding a magazine called ‘BEST OF BESTIALITY’ with the headline ‘CANINE LINGUS”. With eyes like a pill-head the ex-CCTV officer, sacked for negligence, looks upon the glossy cover in awe at the chubby woman and her pooch.

*

It’s a sunny day, it’s a dull day, it’s an overcast day, and it’s a stormy day. It’s everyday. The carnal woman has been immortalised in print, forever basking in the glory of her fleshly desires.