At 11:20 AM on Friday 29th April 2011, the Archbishop of Canterbury pronounced Prince William and Catherine Middleton man and wife. It was a momentous moment, not just for the monarchy, but for the entire nation and dare I suggest it, the rest of the world too. The wonderful union between these two most-gracious young lovers represents a coalition between the monarch and the general public. And as I drunk a pint of Skinner’s ‘Kate Loves Willy’ Ale, I truly felt a speck of regality emanate through my body. I was proud.
Millions of people swarmed around the palace gates like wasps around a juicy looking ice-lolly in the sun. Some particularly patriotic commoners gathered in their small communities, sporting union jack flags and Will and Kate masks, they pitched their tents several days before the ceremony took place in a gallant effort to ensure a prime view of the event. These earnest royal subjects will undoubtedly pass down the story of how they procured the most intimate view of the royal kiss for generations to come, their grandchildren and great-grandchildren will take enormous delight in knowing that somebody in their family once saw Prince William’s lips touch Princess Kate’s from the tender distance of 50 metres.
‘Isn’t it a magnificent sight’ Huw Edward reported for the BBC, as Prince William sat next to Princess Kate on the luxurious State Landau during the royal procession. The lavish carriage was pulled along by four thoroughbred stallions, and in its pure grandness, it eclipsed even the magical carriage that Cinderella’s fairy Godmother made for her from a rotten pumpkin.
Given the weight of the situation one would be forgiven for letting the pressure affect his charm, but the Prince was on top form, quoted by The Guardian and backed up by professional lip-reader Tina Lannin, as telling his newly-wed wife ‘You look beautiful’. So articulate, so concise and so original—majestic lines such as this are what separate the royals from the likes of me, you, and the general public. We can only thank journalists and members of the media conglomerations for bringing us little snippets of captivating insight into the lives of our superiors, with such cutting urgency and punctuality.
The transformation from commoner to regality for Kate Middleton was complimented by an amazing piece of knitwear: an ivory white satin silk gown, created by Sarah Burton, Head Designer at the House of Alexander McQueen. A confidentiality agreement had been signed that kept the dress as secretive as the princess was formerly chaste. So when the dress was finally unveiled to the world as she stepped out of the royal Rolls Royce, it was no surprise to hear a BBC fashion expert let out a high-pitched shriek of ‘YAY’, echoing profoundly the exact joy of a whole nation looking on at the dress with glee.
The jubilation and goodwill was not confined to the Great British Isles exclusively, the event received worldwide publication and quite rightly monopolized the cable and terrestrial networks in the United States. There was even a makeshift ‘street’ party held in the Helmand province of Afghanistan by the proud British troops. The Afghani affair featured flags, music, cake and a brilliantly formed life-sized cardboard cutout of the Royal couple themselves. ‘It was a wonderful day, Kate looked beautiful and we had been so looking forward to seeing her dress.’ Commented Captain Clare Brooks who usually spends her time inspecting packages and scouring the landscape for improvised explosive devices.
The spectacle of the event surpassed all other distractions. Street parties brought people together. Labour and Tory politicians shared cups of tea from the same Will and Kate ceramic teapots; students taught local residents how to skateboard; terminally ill patients nodded their heads and smiled with a long lost twinkle in their eyes; everybody was happy that the British monarchy was succeeding. ‘With all the bad things in the word at the moment, its nice to come together, forget about them, have fun and just be British.’ The sentiments of a conscientious citizen reveling in the achievement of a wealthy heir to the throne finding himself a beautiful woman to marry on the 66th anniversary of Adolf Hitler’s marriage to Eva Braun.
Of course there will always be some blasphemous spoilsports who refuse to acknowledge the true value of the monarch, labeling them as fetishized puppets of public affection, tax-dodging time-wasters, or archaic throwbacks to our shameful past of slavery, sexual discrimination and colonial exploitation. Some sacrilegious dissidents will always make grandiloquent claims, such as the holy matrimony is a ‘Wedding of Mass Distraction’ or that the money should be spent on education, the NHS or welfare rather than a jumped-up media celebration of an antiquated oligarchy.
These bitter invectives, and a desecrating offer made by Vivid Entertainment’s Steve Hirsch, for Kate’s exquisite sister Pippa to feature in a pornographic film for $5 million aside, the royal wedding was a tremendous success. It re-united the loving public with a unique historical figure of majesty and allowed a society that was growing progressively aware of current affairs and critical of its own foreign policy, to take a much-deserved day off and forget about the many evils of this world.
APATHY RATING: *****/ *****
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