Earlier that night he had met a silver fox, a black sheep, an eccentric old fellow. At a bar, with two girls, about to order a pint of European Lager: "I'm flamboyant.. And I'm drunk" The old man with grey hair, a large pot-belly and relaxed wrists announces.
Sat in a booth at the back of the bar, three vodka lemon and limes arrive. "Courtesy of Sir William". The younger male pounces on the waiter and downs all three drinks, spilling some cider-and-black over the blond girl in the process, looks to the old man and asks "WHAT!?" Sir Williams seems taken aback, but not enough to refuse the offer to sit with the group.
Sir William asks about ambitions and boasts of his worldly conquests: a day on each of the world's most exotic beaches to build up an appetite in order to devour their local cuisine and then fornicate with the language-less and therefore in-need-of-consent-less women. He was a carpenter, and a sailor, and a saint, and a soldier, his father is an editor and his daughter is the Personal Relations manager for Manchester United Football Club. His sister is Korean, but North or South "it does not matter which". He and good old Leo Wilkins were kicked out of Kings College at the modest age of twelve for callously joy-riding a cement mixer "over half of the school". Said apparatus was later found jammed in the net of the new tennis courts.
Nature calls! The strongest muscle in Sir William's body is his liver. The liver is not a muscle. And even Sir William has to empty it on particularly active evenings such as halloween. The youngsters confer, and it is decided to try and push the flamboyant gentleman and see how farfetched this tale will wag.
Alcohol is a funny thing.
On returning Sir William, decides to sit in between the young women and insists on a photograph, cupping each of their breasts and gurning with a synthetic erection he tells the unsuspecting audience of his "weekend pills".
"How many times are we talking here, like?" the young lad says.
"Well I would usually get around five-to-six stiffys in a weekend"
"And you go for it every time yeah!?" Asks the lad.
"Well the thing with the weekend pill, its a special kind, its like, urm its like-"
"Its like viagra?" The lad says.
"Viagra - its like viagra but it only kicks in when you are horny. You need these things at my age you see" Says William.
The girls are giggling throughout this exchange.
The lad keeps a straight face, breaking his gaze only to juvenilely slap his fingers together: a shoddy parody of urbanism.
It turns out, his exclusion from all boys school opened a new world to the young William. Instantly the advent of girls into his life affected him deeply. On the very eve of his first day at Thames-Valley Comprehensive he attended a raucous evening dinner that swiftly metamorphosed into a decadent all-night-long party complete with booze, cigarettes, nudity and casualties. And this at the tender age of twelve! One girl was found unconscious of alcohol poisoning, so William - ever the pragmatist - swiftly whisked off her clothes and placed her in the healing comfort of the cold bath.
Like the body-builder posing by the pool, standing between the sun and his naked lover, casting his shadow, as to prevent the rest of the world to see her hermaphroditic penis.
Sir William tells us it is not his aristocratic heritage, nor his enviable explorations of the world that make him a rich man. No. It is the moments when he is laid in bed next to a woman he loves, smiling, gazing into each others eyes, naked, with eight hours to do whatever he wants. That is what makes him a rich man.
"I Love you" He says meekly towards the ginger girl.
This is after he tells us how his many lusty affairs are not for his wife to think upon with scorn, because it was libido, simple human desire. Animalistic cravings not true love. Not that which he surrenders himself unto her.
Offers are made. "60 K and a yacht around the world?"
"I'll dump the head of Liverpool Metropolitan Police Station, I'll finish with her and the five-year plan"
"I just need a woman tonight, don't you understand?" He says to the ginger girl.
"You understand don't you?" Looking towards the lad.
"The crew bar stays open all night and the booze is free".
Instead. We go to a different pub. In this one, pumpkins are carved out of rotten smiley faces and hags dress up as barmaids to serve us all a pint of Hobgoblin Ale. Sir William drops the knighthood and insists on being named simply 'Bill'. With this he says:
"I am living life aren't I? Yes I am. I am not imitating art, the most beautiful feeling in the world is to have a woman thrusting her pumping vulva onto your nose".
And with this he leaves.
It is discussed how Sir William wears his flamboyant heart on his sleeve and his Prince Albert in his pants.
A young lad walking through the graveyard on Halloween, the moonlight splinters through the brambles from the refection of the swanpool, David Bowie - Changes blasts from his headphones as a car crashes into the back of him.
grow a willy dude
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