John wasn't happy

get up, have a shower and get ready. get picked up by Ema Came and she tries to crash the car a little bit. pick up Laney, and the Lovell who has no shoes on. get drunk in Darryl's back garden; Spencer and Jake have suits on but Darryl has pajama bottoms and no top. he tries to fit in, because he is a chicken-shit conformist; puts on some black trousers, white shirt and a tie. I have no money so I try to sneak on the bus, but the officious wanker stops me and makes me pay - so I get Darryl to pay for me. walk around town in a big gang drinking beers from cans - its still daytime - families aren't impressed - FUCK them.

go to the picture house - just for Darryl; we don't get a pimms - both get a beer. Laney and the Lovell do one, Lovell doesn't even comeback because he is pussy-whipped. me and Dave sneak in to the darkened cinema because we cant be bothered to pay and he takes off his top to put his sunglasses on and starts calling his teacher a prick. the films are all shit and I start to wonder why I even snuck into this place. I feel drunk so I write the word "sexy" thirty times in a text message to myself. then kick Dave's pint at a seat to make it smash because I like attention.

outside the cinema we are all posing for photos on the railings, but Dave the clumbsy imbecile smashes a pint glass against the cinema glass doors. we scarper. Collette and Lorraine are drunk; the big L keeps touching my stomach saying she likes the Clash and informs me she is not mentally unstable - I'm a really nice guy so I hug her when she cries. see Jamie Johns outside the cavern and he ignores me at first because he is shagging a model. when he talks to me, some neanderthal comes up to us and says "have you got beef with me" like some fuck-up off the tele. the guy looks like Craig Maggs minus having a neck. he has a stupid sleeveless top on and walks around bulging his arms out. I tell him to fuck off with his arms and he tries to fight Jamie a little bit because he has ten mates. Darryl tells him Jamie has eleven and we go inside.

Dean Hunt turns up with England and walks around looking lost for a while. Harry has some mates - three pussys. Johns has fucked one of them, but he's ignoring her tonight because he's cooler than her. the girls are doing NOS because they're not really good enough for class A's. some cat-fight happens downstairs, I dont see it, but it sounds ridiculous to me. Lorraine is too drunk to buy a drink at the bar so she gives me her card and I buy four pints of Heineken, and like cupid, I point her in Darryl's direction.

we leave John Gandys and head for Vaults: the gaybar. inside we head straight for the dancefloor, brushing past the bumboys and getting on the mainstage, because we are the headlining acts of this night. we dance around elegantly all night with our chests out. a bent comes up to Dave and licks his ear, I dont like this sick behavour so I start thrusting the guy from behind. I see some gays doing poppers, so I sweet talk them a little bit, have two sniffs and walk away with a big headrush trying to find my mates. go to the toilet and I hear some faggots behind me talking about me, I think they fancy me but I ignore them fervently. Darryl is getting with Lorraine and it looks sexy.

outside we see a man/dyke passed out on the floor because her queer mate is too spasticated to catch her when she trips over. the mate pushes me and I laugh because this scene is sick. the bouncer is a total wanker because he wont let Laney go back in to get his shirt. he is really protective about his precious door and holds it shut like his pathetic life depends on it. a few minutes later he gives it back to us and we dont thank him. see Neil Cleeve out from Dawlish and do one to Raj. Spencer puts too much spice on his, but nevertheless me and Laney pounce on his open packet like seagulls as soon as he's finished. I down a bottle of water in two seconds flat.

get a taxi back to Dazza's with the intention of bukkake-ing Lorraine. we try to climb into his house but its stupid so Jake tries to do a poo on his drive-way instead. Darryl opens the front door and catches Jake crouched down and tells us he cant get it up. we tell him to touch her cunt for a bit and wank off; really helpful advice. we are all happily settled in Darryl's sitting room, it is warm and comfortable and we are tired. but we decide to run around the household looking for weed. Dave and Laney are drinking vodka with Jordan, Jake is laying on the floor in the sitting room playing with his balls and we are all hiding in Jordan's room like little kids, but John isnt happy and tells us to get out. Laney is under the desk grinning like a menace. slowly and embarrassed we all get up and leave.

we walk to Brodies house but shes not having any of it the slut - she's probably too busy touching herself - I dono - she doesnt answer the door. on the way back I try to brake into two houses, because I think we might be able to sleep in their sitting room's. the POlice don't like this and they turn up in three squad cars to try and intimidate us. they call us dickheads and try to make us feel small, but two of them are bald wankers. Laney has the hiccups but they wont give him water the stingy cunts. I have a headache from the sirens but they wont turn them off, so I just put on Dave's shades and look like a cool-cat. I talk back to the pigs and they are get a bit worried by my intellect. they keep telling us to stop laughing but they are ridiculous so we don't.

Dave is a shit because he gets picked up by Ema.

try to sleep on Countess Weir roundabout a little bit. its not good and we dont want those pests coming back again because there is CCTV. instead we sleep in the field behind Darryl's house and sing songs about John; he wasn't happy. after about half-an-hour-of-hell I wake up wet from the grass, cold from the night and sick from the beer, I get up, jump over the fence, almost trip up on the chain and sprint away without saying anything.

a few minutes later I have only got to the bus stop, but there are no buses because its quarter to six. me and Laney standaround on the roundabout and wave down cars. most of the bastards are ignorant and pretend not to see us, too scared to give us eye-contact they scutter away to safety. a nice woman stops though and takes us to Exminster. we walk to Tesco, but that is shut because it is six-thirty. we wait half an hour for a bus but it is fifteen minutes late. as we are waiting at the bus stop; a dairy van stops off, a man gets out, carries a crate of milk, and puts it outside the Victory Hall doorstep. me and Laney look at each other grinning. we wait for the man to drive away, he does a three-point turn which is agonising in our stale state's. but once he leaves we spring into action. we feel accomplished sat in the bus stop; the dregs of society drinking a massive fourpint of stolen milk; whilst the community of early birds are up dog walking and exercising on bicycles.

the bus finally comes and we get on, I offer a girl some milk but she says no the ungrateful cunt. we sit on the top of the double decker. Laney gets off in Cockwood and I get off by the avenues. on the walk back through an alleyway I see a young boy walking to school and it makes me feel sick inside. get in bed and sleep but Darryl is sending me stupid messages.